Genesis and the army of dragons

Chapter 1

After rereading the first chapter of Genesis for like the kazillionth time (seems like this is public education's favorite biblical story!), I was distressed. How does God know to create plants, the creeping things, light, dark, stars, and heavens, sun, blah, blah, blah... Did He have pre-contact with said things or was He just kinda... I don't know... green things with leaves, that would be sweet! And animals and birds! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds cool, man.

For some reason I see Mickey Mouse with a wand and wearing a giant blue hat conjuring up mountains and trees; except Mickey is old with a giant beard, muscles rippling under his toga (maybe chewing on the end of cigar... eyes squinted... Oh jeez, that would be cool if God looked like Clint Eastwood).

But then I wonder what I would do if I was God. I certainly wouldn't make plants and be ho-hum boring "this is good" garbage, and I sure as hell wouldn't create something in my own image. No, I would create dragons, then dragons with spikes, dragons with fire breath, dragons that were part robot, all sorts of dragons, dragon after dragon. I don't even really like dragons, but dammit if I wouldn't create an army of them. And I would ride bareback into battle! But wait, my dragon army has nothing to kill, dominate, or for that matter eat, would they turn towards me next? Their master becomes their dinner? (which brings up another age old question: could God create a rock so heavy He couldn't lift it?) Suddenly things get more complicated! Now I have to create a comparative force! An army of squid, yes, yes, that's right, an army of squid...

Okay, now I see God's eternal wisdom. Plants, they are pretty good aren't they? I like plants, you like plants, everyone likes plants. Gooooooood.

I use to wonders why God needed to rest on the 7th day. I think I figured out the answer: he'd been spending ages making dragon armies. Finally, he's like, "Dude, I can finally chill. I can finally relaaaaaaaaaaxxxxxxx, I'll make some plants, and some little naked nudes... WHAT THE !!!!???? What's with the eating from the tree of knowledge? Seriously, didn't want to do this to you... but you're kicked out. Get a job, get outa my house... I need your room for my treadmill anyway."

Okay, I didn't really accomplish anything from writing this.